This quote was shared by my friend today, which, with my upcoming birthday – the doorway to a new age/number, is fitting:

“Sometimes being old is used as an insult, which is bizarre because, if you’re lucky, that’s literally going to happen to you. It’s a strange thing to gloat about: being born recently.”
Ricky Gervais

The thing is, I’ve spent most of my adult life working in health. I’m friends with many pioneers in the health, raw food, detox movements. And now, honestly, I’m pissed that I’m aging! I shouldn’t have new lines: why isn’t my skin invincible? Admittedly this Asian sun has catapulted me threw the aging process far quicker than living in a temperate climate would have done. But srsly, I’ve done all the right things (juicing, fasting, raw foods, colonics etc) to minimize the signs of time. I want my money back!

Don’t get me wrong – I’m super grateful that my body is healthy, largely unscarred and can do all the things I’d like it to (bar some dance moves).

This isn’t a plea for complements – just an external explosion of the, surely generic, feeling that I don’t feel my age. I certainly don’t act it. I catch myself in shop windows and don’t recognize myself. Would I be easing into this face with greater grace if I felt I’d done all I ‘should’ have done by now? I could pretend I’m still a kid, but my Aquarian sister, who should also by now be a ‘grown up’ draws me back to this reality.

And not for the first time in the past year, I’ve spent time with young enthusiastic, idealistic world-changers – who have a different energy, focus and passion than I, and I think to myself ‘as it should be’ – they’re in that phase of life.

Which phase does that leave me in? Do I have my shit together yet? I don’t feel I do. What does that even mean? Houses, money, family, relationship, career? What matters, what or who am
I committed to?.. Or are those old school 2012 concerns? 2013 does feel easier, lighter and more trusting for me, though I’ve yet to find the balance between mysticism, romance and practicality.

I live in a unique bubble in Bali. Off the grid, among expats – the other lives of unemployment, taxes and politics barely touch us, if we wish it so. YTT even there I look around me at marriages and mortgages and wonder how they all got there. How many people knew that’s where and who they’d be with, how many are happy. Mostly I’m relieved not to be them..

So here I am in Varanasi, about to enter the biggest spiritual event ever. A gathering of sadhus, who have renounced everything. Everything. No music, love, touch, romance, poetry, color or such tactile pleasures. Is this the answer? For me, no. We are but souls suspended in empty space – points of light. The other quote today that stirred me:

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words” Goethe

Would I care so much if my life wasn’t spent documenting beauty, or helping people get healthy – a life observing appearance. I can’t watch a movie without thinking someone should quit bread, drink green juice or get a colonic!!

I photograph myself to prove I exist. I’ve never trusted memory alone – photos capture for me the emotion and smell of a moment – all 6 senses playing within an image..

End of pre-birthday rant. Getting back to blogging rocks. I’m writing for myself, not for FB likes or Twitter repeats. No clever sound bites, but a deeper play with words. Oh words how I have missed thee. Thank you for welcoming me back without judgement.

Big mad love to all my Aquarian kin ~ thank you for your inspiration, creativity and wonderful selves x